But I discovered a way to do it. I became obsessed with documenting the world around me. My camera was with me everywhere and it somehow became a part of myself. It gave me permission to not be shy and the ability to show how intense and beautiful I perceive life. I found something where I can shamelessly express what I feel, my critical view on our generation and myself and my love for life in general.
With time, I also started to share pages of my notebooks and it was one of the scariest things I've ever done. About the age of 18, I was so trapped in my mind, worrying what other people might think and constantly afraid of their rejection. I always thought that something was very, very wrong with me and I put all my energy into hiding this fact, even though I had no idea what it exactly was. It’s crazy, but going to a family dinner or even for a bus ride after school was one of the scariest things I could imagine. Like one time, I was waiting at a bus stop and someone came up to me, probably asking what time it was, and I just blacked out and found myself on the floor a few minutes later.
I don’t tell you this because I want your compassion or anything, but to make you understand. Because the only thing that made it better for me was to look for these exact moments and to go through it, to be transparent and to talk about my confusion and fears. Allowing myself to be seen through my notebooks - as chaotic and vulnerable as I am - changed everything for me. It’s the only reason why I’m able to write about it today.
By sharing these things, I realized that not only there are so many other people who felt the exact same things as I did, but that the rest of them don’t even care. And it was the best realization I could have ever made.